Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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