i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
