why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I cut my penus on the lid.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
