True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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