i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
