So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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