there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
