I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
