I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
