Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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