Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
