i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
