I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you didnt know i had herpes?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
