my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Enjoy the penises
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
