so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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