you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
