Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
