Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
