Your face is a jimmy john
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize