I showed him my bush... on skype.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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