I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
