I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
