I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
