I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
