dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
