I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
