apparently the secret to your success is patron
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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