I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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