All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
