farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
