I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
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