so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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