and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
