i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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