Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I met the friendliest cop last night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
