dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
