If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
