Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
