If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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