All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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