If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
