Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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