I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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