____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
