Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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