he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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