I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
