OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
