I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize