Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
This is classic penis vs brain.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
