omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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