I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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