i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
