It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
