We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
