I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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