i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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