Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize