We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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