I love black thongs
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize