she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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