I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
