you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
