Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
