I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I cannot find my penis.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
