He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
