I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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