You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
