It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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