I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
