Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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