Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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