I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I think I died a long time ago.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
