you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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