so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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