I faked an abortion last night.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
