I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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